We felt that the process was all about supporting us to learn
about being a parent. It helps you see what sort of parent you
will be, and if you really do want to be a parent.
We know everything that is available for us to know about
the boys’ birth home. We know they suffered from emotional
neglect and physical neglect. That’s what we expected when we
decided to adopt older children. We knew they were likely to
have experienced tough times. But you can’t know everything.
We made the early decision that we wanted to adopt older
children. We also knew we wanted to adopt siblings – we
wanted more than one child. I think it’s really good for them to
be adopted together. It’s tough to adopt two children at once,
and it presents its own challenges.
The telling thing was how different the boys were to each other
when they were arrived. They had not been treated equally in
the foster home. Charlie was a baby when he arrived at the foster
home, and so to him, his foster parents were his actual parents.
It was very traumatic for him to leave them, whereas I don’t
think Jack had ever felt that the foster home was his real family.
Charlie had been quite spoilt, and we didn’t spoil him, so that
was quite difficult to deal with.
The boys are very different people. Jack is a calm soul, whereas
Charlie is hyper. He sleeps through the night now, but wakes up
at 5.30 every day! He has masses of energy and is very alert and
active. He is less anxious now and has very few tantrums. They
mostly happen when he’s very tired, but I think that’s pretty
standard! He’s much calmer, and talks about the foster home less.
He’s loving – he will come and have cuddles. He started doing
that after a few months of living with us. It was great, it was
wonderful. It’s lovely when he gives you a big hug and a kiss and
says ‘papa, I love you.’
Charlie wears his heart on his sleeve. Anything he feels, we know
about!
Jack is very happy, he’s a very cheerful young chap. He’s very
still, and doesn’t talk about how he feels. We almost have to
enforce discussions about feelings. Whenever we talk about
emotions, he will try and escape and leave the room. We hold
him, and talk to him about how we think he might be feeling, to
help him feel safer.
I remember the first time Jack ever said how he felt. A year
into the adoption, we were on a skiing holiday. On the second
evening Jack said to us: ‘When I was at the top of that hill, I felt
really nervous.” We said: ‘That’s amazing!’ and started jumping
up and down and telling him how good that was. He must have
thought we’d gone crazy! But it was the first time he’d ever
articulated a feeling to us.”
T: 020 7520 0383
E:
A four-year-old child, who still has their milk teeth and has yet
to start school, can hardly be described as ‘old’. But when that
child is seeking a forever family, they can often miss out because
of their age. A recent study has shown that children aged four
and over wait an average of ten months longer than under-ones
to find an adoptive home. On average these children spend two
years and ten months in foster care, uncertain as to when or if
they will find a permanent home.
In response to this, National Adoption Week 2015 aims to
break down the barriers that prevent older children being
adopted as readily as younger ones, and highlight the many
positives that come with adopting a child of four and over.
The Too Old At 4? campaign challenges the perception
of older children as being more difficult and having more
complex needs, and emphasises that they often have a greater
understanding and appreciation of finding a new family.
Spearheaded by national adoption information service,
First4Adoption, and supported by Coram children’s charity,
the campaign encourages potential adopters to offer safe,
caring homes to four-and-overs to help them find their forever
families. You can find out more about adopting with Coram
here:
Owen* and David* adopted two sibling boys in 2012 when
the boys were aged 3 and 7. The boys had lived in a foster
home together for three years prior to their adoption. Here,
Owen talks about their decision to adopt children who were
slightly older.
“We first thought about adoption a long time ago. About 8-10
years ago we contacted an adoption agency, but didn’t get a
very positive response.
In 2010 we got in touch with Coram, and they were very
positive about us. We came to an open evening, and then
evening classes to find out more about adoption. They [the
classes] were very good, incredibly useful. One of the most
interesting things about it was that of all the couples that
came to the classes, only about half chose to pursue adoption
immediately afterwards, meaning the classes had done exactly
what they were meant to do - give you a clear picture, not too
romantic, but a realistic view of adoption.
At that point, David* was completely set on adoption. I still
had a few doubts about being a parent, though, about losing all
my time and space. And of course now I have lost all my time
and space, but it doesn’t matter!
It’s quite invasive – it really does explore your own life and
your childhood. For us, it was quite an emotional experience,
because you look at how you were parented and how your
parents were. I remember bursting into tears at a couple of
points! It’s not something we feared, though.
What was so good [about the assessment process with Coram]
was that we didn’t feel in any sense that we were being judged.
Owen’s advice to other members of the LGBT community who
are considering adopting:
“We had no doubts about adopting as a same sex couple.
There were moments when we experienced prejudice before
we adopted, and there have been moments when we have
experienced prejudice since, but it hasn’t been anything to
do with being adopters. It’s [prejudice is] so infrequent now
compared to the past, when David* and I grew up.
We’ve been very lucky and haven’t experienced any prejudice
related to the adoption. I think living in London helps, it might
have been different somewhere else, I don’t know.
Our family and friends have been very supportive.
It’s perfectly normal to have reservations [about adopting]. If you
don’t have reservations, you don’t really understand what you’re
taking on.
It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but it is the most
rewarding. It’s a terrific thing to do.”
CoramBAAF is part of the Coram Group of charities and offers
a range of publications for adopters. Books specifically for people
who are LGBT include:
Gay, Lesbian and Heterosexual Adoptive Families
Family relationships, child adjustment and adopters’
experiences
Written by Laura Mellish, Sarah Jennings, Fiona Tasker,
Michael Lamb and Susan Golombok
Price: £9.95
Lesbian and gay adoption and fostering -
information and advice for children
When children move to a new adoptive family it can be
both an exciting and a scary time and they may have many
questions for their foster carer or social worker. If the child’s
adoptive parents are lesbian or gay there may be even more
specific questions and concerns. This pamphlet provides
practical information and addresses many of the queries or
concerns that a child may have.
Written by New Family Social
Price: £2.00
